Love

Love is such a wonderful thing and can look so different from one use to another. There is the love that Mae and I have for each other- the kind of love that shows itself through selfless sacrifice. This is love that is shown when she sits by my side as I am receiving treatment or having a painful test done. Then there is the love I have for my Life. Just being able to see him after a long 12 hour shift before I lay down fill my heart with joy.

Over the past two and a half years I have been able to receive love from many people Even in the past few weeks I have experienced love from friends and family and even strangers. People I don't even know have let me know they are praying for me. Those who I barely know have sent dinner. Friends have cut grass for me when I have been too sore to do it myself. Family has stepped up as Mae and I haven't been at our best. And many have told me to let them know what they can do for me.

To all of you who have shown love to my growing family and I, I would like to say thank you!

There is another love I have experienced- the love of the Father. My God, the one true god, the one who created the world and everything in as well as the whole universe, also created me. My creator, my God, my Father created me and you and wants to share his love with us- His children.

Here is the problem- because of our disobedience we separated ourselves from Him. Since there was nothing we could do about this, God came to earth and paid the debt of our disobedience through Christ Jesus. And because of this we can all experience the love of our Father.

Love is a beautiful thing and I thank God for sharing His love with us so we can share it with each other.

A lot has happened

So let me start with sharing this... In the midst of cancer and uncertainty with my health, God once again showed Meagan and I that He is in control and He still brings new life in the midst of it all. Meagan is pregnant with our second child! Our hearts are full of joy!

Here is an update of the last couple weeks. I had my second bone marrow biopsy and thankfully it went much better than the first,  the pain was pretty much gone the next day. However, the results showed some blast (cancer) cells in the marrow. Along with that, my blood counts have been changing enough that my doctor put me on another treatment. So last week I started taking a new chemo daily.

So each of the treatments I have tried have had their own unique side effects. This one has given me the joy of aches and pains all over, fevers and chills, and a drop of platelets. But it has also brought down the blasts and the white count (which is a good thing). I had a checkup today and had to have a platelet transfusion.

Moving on from here I will be visiting Quest Diagnostics each week as well as a riding to Hopkins. Even though my care team, as well as the rest of the staff at Hopkins, is great (they all care and go the extra mile with everyone they help) I just don't like spending the day up there. If I do have to spend a few hours at a hospital though, Hopkins isn't that bad.

So as Meagan and I look at planning for the future, there are many questions and things to consider. My doctor said it would be smart for me not to continue working full time right now. (That in itself brings up a lot to consider) Then we have a new baby to plan and prepare for.

Even though we have a lot going on, and things are uncertain with my health and job and money, we still have a gift from God, our son Life, who is a reminder to us that God still speaks and creates life in the midst of death.

The other night we were eating out and at a table near us was a family with small kids including a small baby. As Life was looking, or rather staring, I asked him, "Who else is getting a little baby?" He replied, "Life." We are so excited, as a family, for what God is doing in our family.

Good news bad news

News can be awesome to the point of celebration (or in my case a statement saying "that's awesome" in a tone a degree more excited than my usual tone... My friends know what I am talking about) or it can be news that makes your heart sink. It may cause tears of joy or tears or sorrow or fear.
Yesterday when I woke up from my sleep a little after 3 pm (give me a break, I work night shift) I had received an email from my nurse practitioner at Hopkins saying my doctor wants me there for another bone marrow biopsy Friday (tomorrow) because my platelets have fallen again, as well as my red blood count, while my white count has risen. *that isn't a great sign for somebody with chronic meyloid leukemia*
So as I thought back to a month ago when I had my first bone marrow biopsy and even over the last two and a half years of fighting this joker, emotions began to rise, tears started to fall.
It's annoying. I don't know why I have to be such a "unique case" (although I have always seemed to be different than those around me) but I hope that God is able to use me and my story to help some people find hope and life through whatever they are dealing with.  I am waiting for healing in a way that the only explanation can be "God did it."

As I am trying to fall asleep (unsuccessfully) I am reminded of Paul in the New Testament: here is a guy who after encountering Jesus left behind his entire life's work in Judaism to follow the Savior. His entire life changed. He was suddenly different from what he used to be and different from his old friends. Through this shift and change, God used Paul to spread the Good News of Salvation to the world, and more specifically to those who had been told before that there was no way to be made right with God. He was able to share Life (salvation, Jesus) with many through his "unique case." He left his life's work to follow after the very thing he was so desperately trying to put an end to: Christ's church.

So even as I am dreading the drill and needle going into my hip tomorrow and the uncomfortable feeling I will have the next couple weeks I find joy in the idea that through all I am going through I can bring hope and life to others. And this is true life: Jesus Christ came from heaven, fully man and fully God, and gave his own life as the ransom for all who believe and follow him. We were separated from God because of our disobedience but because the debt was paid we can have life forever with our Creator and Father.

Update: my primary doctor treated me for migraines and I haven't had to deal with that the past week or so. I am thinking I was getting a little stressed which caused the headache to start.

Keep your head up son

So first I would like to say "wowza."  I did not expect to get so many views. I don't know if the number will stay up as you realize my writing is nothing to be dazzled by but I guess I will keep going.

So most everyone gets headaches from time to time, right? Usually you can pinpoint a reason or a cause for the pain, but for the past 2 weeks I have had a headache that has been constant. I can't pinpoint a cause and it different than a normal old headache. Saw my nurse practitioner and had a CT scan but everything looked normal.

The other day as I was home alone trying to clean up the house, the pain got so annoying and I was so tired of it I cried out to Jesus (yet again). Then as I sat in silence I felt like the Spirit was saying to me, "Keep your head up son, the pain won't last forever."

Now I am not usually one to hear "the voice of God" or to know that God was clearly talking to me, but in the silence and in my pain and in the midst of another reminder of my need for a Father and Creator and Healer I felt that God had heard me yelling out- calling on His son- and He answered simply.

I know there are many people out the in pain of all sorts from physical hurt or abuse or disease or sickness to emotional damage cause by others or a number of other things that cause pain in life like the death of a loved one. Whatever it may be people are hurting and God is saying "Keep your head up son, the pain won't last forever. Wipe away your tears my dear, I will console you."

Here is the point that matters- whether I am healed of the cancer or if it kills me, I am going to serve my God because He created me and loved me so much that His son (Jesus Christ) gave his life in place of mine. You see, I had been separated from my maker because of my disobedience and the price for that was my life, Jesus gave his life in my place and yours.

Colossians 1:21-23 Once you were alienated from God and you were enemies with him in your minds, which was shown by your evil actions. But now he has reconciled you by his physical body through death, to present you before God as a people who are holy, faultless, and without blame. But you need to remain well established and rooted in faith and not shift away from the hope given in the good news that you heard. This message has been preached throughout all creation under heaven. And I, Paul, became a servant of this good news.

Here goes nothing

Well here I go trying something new, we will just have to wait and see how long this lasts. I feel like this can be a way for me to share how God is being awesome in my life. For the past couple years I have had grand ideas come to mind on ways to share my story of God's greatness but in the chaos of life I have never followed through. So I see this as my outlet, my way to update others on my current status and share what God is doing.

Here we go...

This is just a little intro and many questions will be answered as I go.

Let's go back a couple years (#throwbackthuraday ya'll!) to 2011. On February 28 I was in the ER for what I thought was vertigo only to be told "you have leukemia" cml to be more specific. Now over the past two years of fighting we are back to square one. As if it were a board game and I drew the dreaded "return to start" card.

The medications which I have taken for two years have helped control the cancer but they haven't really been as successful as hoped. These meds kept the cancer in check but never got me into remission. The most recent side effect, which caused us to discontinue treatment for now, was a low platelet count. Now for those who don't know- platelets are the part of the blood that stop bleeding. When they are too low it can obviously cause major problems. So now we are waiting for my platelets to rise to a safer level before moving forward with treatment.

In the past couple weeks I have had to get some tests done including a bone marrow biopsy to check that there was nothing besides the cml going on. This procedure was supposed to take 5 minutes but due to my "cement-like" bones, it took 2 nurse practitioners over 30 mins to get what wasn't quite enough of a sample. That was two weeks ago and I am still stiff and a little sore from it.

Now I am just waiting...
For my platelets to come up.
To hear what my doctor wants to do next.
But ultimately to see what God is going to do through all this.

I don't want pity, I don't want to be treated differently because I have cancer. I want God to be magnified through whatever comes my way.

I hope that as you read my posts that you will be encouraged and amazed by what God has done and what he will be doing.



Colossians 1:15-20 The Son is the image of the invisible God,the one who is first over all creation, Because all things were created by him:both in the heavens and on the earth,the things that are visible and the things that are invisible.Whether they are thrones or powers,or rulers or authorities,all things were created through him and for him. He existed before all things,and all things are held together in him. He is the head of the body, the church,who is the beginning,the one who is firstborn from among the deadso that he might occupy the first place in everything. Because all the fullness of God was pleased to live in him, and he reconciled all things to himself through him—whether things on earth or in the heavens.He brought peace through the blood of his cross.